A Psycoscope Report on Trump

What do we know about what goes on in Trump’s head?

Surely, not enough. Though there are a lot of clues, plenty just raise more questions. The whole country desperately needs to know a lot more before entrusting the leadership of this great country to this man.

A few days ago, Trump waltzed into a meeting with the editors of the Washington Post—a paper that had been openly critical of and even hostile to him—which raises the fascinating question of what he had hoped to gain from such a meeting.

Perhaps he hoped to win them over? If so, he presumably would have come prepared and even a quick read of the transcript reveals that he did not. He simply knows next to nothing about most of the serious issues facing the US at home and abroad, which raises grave doubts about his ability to meet the day-to-day demands of the Presidency.

We all know about his extreme narcissism and his relentless need to be the center of attention 24/7. Delusional blindness may be part of the general condition of narcissism so we really do need to understand more about how he thinks.

To that end, we turned to the ‘psycoscope’, only very recently invented. It has definitely not been authorized by the FDA, but the NSA is said to be using it to read your thoughts right NOW. Though its inventor is clear that its ability to forecast behavior is far from well established, it is the best available tool at this point in time to look into Trump’s head.

The final results of this preliminary report are still confidential but what follows has been cleared, but it is not to be repeated.

Trump is completely surprised at how popular he has become. He never imagined that he could go this far. He loves and hates it. And he worries about it because he never really expected or planned to become President.

He simply planned to be an outrageous outsider to gain attention and the press fell hard for his style and over covered him simply because he sold waves of their wares. The more outrageous he was, the more attention he got, so he had to keep overreaching for crazier things to do and say in order to sustain his notoriety.

He knows full well that, so far, only about 2 ½ % of all Americans [about 5,000,000 people] have officially voted for or supported him in caucuses. He recognizes that given all the surrounding circumstances , that level of support is most likely substantially insufficient to land him in the White House—which is something of a relief to him, because he knows that he has no clue of what he would do if he ever got there.

His overall analysis of his present situation is that he is in a pretty pickle. At this point, there are three scenarios that haunt his dreams (excluding the one in which his hair gains its freedom and runs away in the middle of a debate):

  • He faces a contested convention, in which he loses the nomination in an embarrassing way.
  • He faces being nominated and losing the election in an embarrassing way.
  • He faces winning the election and having to try to be president, which he finds to be a seriously daunting prospect.

All three possibilities are bad from his point of view. He ends up saddled with embarrassment, and/or being stuck with a job he really does not want and that pays very poorly.

In thinking it through he is at a loss about how to extricate himself from the corner he has painted himself into.

And then a light comes on!

If he “suffers a mild heart attack” [according to his doctors], he can graciously withdraw from the race “for the good of the country” and ask the convention to find a suitable candidate.

He goes out of politics in a blaze of grandeur and popularity. His brand has become even more valuable and he is free of the constraints of the White House and politics, and now adored by everybody everywhere for his selfless interest in the country!

Eureka!!– Problem solved.


AND then my alarm went off.


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