On the Benefits and Risks of ‘Taking Over’ the USA

President Putin opens an emergency session of the Politburo. On the agenda: The United States. “We are ready, comrades, to realize the glory of our ambitions. We already own the U.S. President, and if he wins a second term, America is ours for the taking. Even if he loses, our fake vaccine will finish the job he’s started. I’ve asked you here today to consider an important question: do we want it?”

A new, younger member is the first to respond: “Surely we want it – we’ve spent the last five years undermining them at every turn, with great success. Maybe a better question is ‘how should we reap the rewards of our great victory?’ What are the benefits of a complete takeover, as satisfying as it may be to our forebearers, who succumbed to U.S. aggression 30 years ago? Why do we want to take on 300 million people who can’t agree on anything? If you think Ukraine was a headache, America would be a never-ending migraine.”

Putin considered the point before responding.  “Think of all their natural assets—oil, gas, minerals, agriculture. We can take whatever we need and want and give the Chinese what is left over. The Chinese will love us for it – and leave us alone, maybe forever.”

Another member interjects: “If they cannot feed themselves, how in God’s name are we going to do that?”

Putin fixed a steely gaze on the questioner. “You are missing the point, comrade. We don’t care if most of them are fed. We are only interested in the scientists and the serfs. The fewer Americans, the more we can pillage their agriculture, manufacturing and labor to our ends. Those who survive will love us, whether out of fear or favor. Surely you recognize the purpose behind our phony vaccine?”

This startling back and forth went on for quite a while, with Putin just barely holding on. “They are ungovernable,” one minister insisted. “The central authority lets armed vigilantes roam freely, and even the less deranged among the citizenry are heavily armed.”

At that point, Putin ended the meeting. “I guess we need to think about this some more.”

The next day, the headlines in Moscow’s leading papers reported that the new vaccine was making half the recipients seriously ill, with no scientific evidence that it could prevent Covid-19.

The Politburo meets again. Putin said “I guess that great idea I had yesterday is not going to work the way we had planned. Any new ideas?”

The new younger members spoke up again. “With all respect, Comrade Putin, somebody sold you a rotten tomato with that vaccine. Perhaps we should be going at it the other way around. If we collaborated with the USA, and both of us benefited, together we could really put it to our ‘friends’ in China to leave us and the US alone?”

Putin stared angrily at the young upstart. “You do not understand what I like about Trump. He is the dumbest and most inept person in history to lead any country, large or small. All we need to do is let him think he has taken us over and then we give him an easy double flip. He will then be gone, and we will have taken over. They will never see it coming. How is that for traditional Russian cleverness!?

Another Politburo younger member broke in. “Respectfully, sir, how do you expect to manage an American election?”

Putin laughed out loud. “We managed it quite well in 2016, even before we had a gullible fool in the Oval Office. I told Trump how we suppress and manage our voting process – including our postal system — to get the results we want. Now, he is actually trying to do exactly what I suggested! What I did not tell him is how it backfires sometimes.”

The young upstart then asked, “What if he wins? What is your next move?”

Putin replied confidently. ” The next move is his. He claims victory in America and we agree to be taken over. He’ll be thrilled to claim another victory, one the hawks have sought for years. Then we flip him. He’s so stupid and vainglorious he’ll never suspect the truth.”

Younger member” How are you going to ensure he wins the election? He appears to be losing rather handily, and only two months remain.”

Putin smirked knowingly. “I have, you surely know, never lost an election. Losing is for losers. Between our social media propaganda, hacking voting systems and power grids, and Trump’s willingness – eagerness – to manipulate the U.S. postal service, the glorious Russian victory we have awaited so long will finally be ours! Trump will claim the credit; that is fine, because we will claim his country. Perhaps we’ll carve him into Mount Rushmore as a consolation prize.”’